Sexual Addiction - What is it?
Sexual addiction is, in its simplest form, a normal sex drive that has become obsessive, to the point that behavior is out of control. Sexual addiction is referred to as a 'process' addiction, as opposed to a substance addiction like alcohol or drugs. In a process addiction, the euphoric feeling (or "high") comes from chemicals released into the brain, rather than from an external source. As the mind becomes accustomed to the release of these chemicals, it searches out for continued sources of that high. This could be from eating, the adrenaline rush of competition, putting yourself in dangerous situations, or from sexual stimuli. Sexual addiction can take on many forms, from the use of pornography and masturbation to repeated sexual affairs, patronizing prostitutes, and voyeurism. In extreme cases, sexual addiction can involve molestation, rape, and even murder. The many forms of sexual addiction have one thing in common, the behavior is done in secret, and the sex addict becomes skilled in hiding this secret life from those closest to him.
Sexual Addiction - What Causes it?
Sexual addiction is rarely caused by only one factor, but is more likely a build up of conditions over time. In my own case, I was exposed to porn at a very young age, and often escaped into the fantasy world of pornography and masturbation, rather than risk rejection from real girls. Even after marriage I kept up my habits, which put a wedge in my marriage that I didn't understand, and led to divorce. Sexual addiction is something that was a part of my life for over 30 years without me realizing it. For other people, causes for sexual addiction can include traumatic experiences in their childhood such as physical and/or sexual abuse, abandonment, or emotional trauma. Whatever the causes the root is simple: it is sin. Until we learn how to overcome the addiction, we continue to fail.
Sexual Addiction - What's the Problem, it's only Sex?
One of the most serious problems with sexual addiction is the way it affects our relationships. As I mentioned above, my sexual addiction came into my marriage, and damaged my relationship with my wife. As a result of my past use of pornography, I had a much higher sex drive than my wife. When we started having children, her sex drive began to drop even more as the stress of taking care of infants and toddlers started to take its toll on her. So I found myself satisfying myself much more often than she satisfied me. Closeness in a marriage is a combination of the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of the relationship. Unfortunately, when one aspect of the relationship starts to break down, the others tend to suffer as well. While I was looking inward for physical satisfaction, I turned inward for my emotional and spiritual needs as well. As I turned away from needing my wife for my emotional needs, I also quit meeting her needs. The result was separation and divorce after 13 years of marriage and three children together. This is not unusual, as sexual addiction, at its core, is all about selfishness. The sex addict becomes obsessed with meeting his own needs at the expense of those around him. And selfishness in any form is damaging to a marriage relationship.
The other major problem with sexual addiction is its progressive nature. While lingerie ads and R-rated movies can be visually exciting to a teenager, that excitement doesn't continue for the sex addict. The need for more and more stimulation leads into more explicit, hard-core pornography, adult movies and websites, and eventually into acting out the fantasies that are formed in the mind. The first consequence of this acting out is that the wife ceases to be a unique person, worthy of honor in the relationship. Instead, she becomes an object of sexual gratification. Eventually, this too becomes mundane, and the sex addict seeks thrills of an increasingly illicit nature.
Entrepreneural and Skill Aqcuisition for Financial Freedom
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Like all good gifts from God, sex can be misused and perverted.
Water is a gift of God, without which we couldn't survive. But floods and tidal waves are water out of control, and the effects are devastating. Fire is an energy-producing gift of God that gives warmth and allows us to cook. But a forest fire or a house burning to the ground or a person engulfed in flames is fire out of control-it is horrible and frightening. Water and fire are good things which, when they occur outside their God-intended boundaries, become bad.
Likewise, God designed sex to exist within certain boundaries. When exercised in line with God's intended purpose, it is beautiful and constructive. When out of control, violating God's intended purpose, it becomes ugly and destructive. Sex is a good thing which, when it occurs outside its God-designed boundaries, becomes bad.
The problem isn't sex—the problem is us. We're sinners who can pervert, abuse, and rip away from their proper place the good things God created. The greater the gift from God, the more power it has both for good and bad. Inside marriage, sex has great power for good. Outside marriage it has equally great power for bad.
The boundaries of sex are the boundaries of marriage.
Sex and marriage go together. Sexual union is intended as an expression of a lifelong commitment, a symbol of the spiritual union that exists only within the unconditional commitment of marriage. Apart from marriage, the lasting commitment is absent and the sex act becomes a false expression, a lie.
Every act of sex outside of marriage cheapens both sex and marriage. Sex is a privilege inseparable from the responsibilities of the sacred marriage covenant. To exercise the privilege apart from the responsibility perverts God's intention for sex.
Sex is designed to be the joining of two persons, of two spirits, not just two bodies. Sex should be giving to someone to whom I'm 100% committed (as measured by the state of legal marriage), not taking from someone to whom I'm uncommitted or partially committed.
"But we really love each other" has no bearing on the ethics of sexual intimacy—sex does not become permissible through subjective feelings, but through the objective lifelong commitment of marriage.
Your sexual purity is essential to your walk with God.
Sexual purity is not an option for an obedient Christian, it's a requirement. God's will is centered on our character and moral purity much more than on our circumstances, such as job, housing and schooling. You want to know God's will? You don't have to wonder. Here it is: "It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality" (1 Thessalonians 4:3). There is no sense seeking God's will in other areas when you are choosing to live in sexual impurity in your mind or body.
"Who may ascend the hill of the LORD? Who may stand in his holy place?
He who has clean hands and a pure heart." (Psalm 24:3-4)
"If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened." (Psalm 66:18)
"If anyone turns a deaf ear to the law, even his prayers are detestable." (Proverbs 28:9)
"'When I called, they did not listen; so when they called, I would not listen,' says the LORD Almighty." (Zechariah 7:13)
Sexual purity is inseparable from a committed Christian life. If you are not living in sexual purity, God will not hear your other prayers until you offer the prayer of confession and repentance and commit yourself to a life of holiness (1 John 1:9)
By Randy Alcorn
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Real Life Stories
These are stories of people bound in sexual immorality, learn from them and be free from satanic deceit. The devil came to steal, to kill and to destroy, Jesus Christ came that we might have life and have it more abundantly, John 10:10
One teen explained the effects of her sexual involvement in these words:
… Having premarital sex was the most horrifying experience of my life. It wasn't at all the emotionally satisfying experience the world deceived me into believing. I felt as if my insides were being exposed and my heart left unattended…I know God has forgiven me of this haunting sin, but I also know I can never have my virginity back. I dread the day that I have to tell the man I truly love and wish to marry that he is not the only one, though I wish he were…I have stained my life—a stain that will never come out.
* Mark said he had a crazy sexual history. Before he got married he was on the constant prowl and had sex with literally dozens of women. Since he has gotten married he feels almost trapped by the knowledge that he can only have sex with one woman for the rest of his life, and struggles frequently with thoughts and feelings of wanting to have sex with other women.
Why should I save sex for marriage?
By George Martin and Scott Myers
When God creates something, He creates it with purpose and design. The Genesis account of creation makes it clear that God's creation is “good” (Genesis 1:31). But mankind has a history of distorting what God has made, whether out of ignorance or just plain stubbornness. The golden calf (idol) of the Israelites, for example. Gold is beautiful to look at, but God clearly did not want His people worshipping it.
Sex (and yes, sex was God’s idea) is no different. God created it, and therefore it is reasonable to expect that it is good. But when man distorts it by ignoring God's specific standards, it becomes harmful and destructive. So the question we've asked “why save sex for marriage” is really a question of understanding God's purpose and design for sex. We can choose to do things God's way, and experience the beauty of His plan, or we can choose to do things our way, and experience harm and destruction (Proverbs 16:25).
So, let's talk first about why God created sex. One reason is obvious: procreation. When God told AdamEve to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28), they probably figured out that He wanted them to have sex. But God also wanted them to develop intimacy with one another, and He knew that sex would help them do that, in a way that nothing else could. and
God also knew that because sex is so powerful in creating intimacy that there must be some constraints on how it was to be used, so He specifically relegated sex to the arena of marriage. The kind of intimacy that God desires between a married couple cannot occur between one person and several others; it can only be experienced between one man and one woman. Hence God has specifically said, “Do not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14), and “Flee sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18). That is, do not have sex with someone who is not your spouse. Obedience requires that sex be reserved for one’s spouse.
So far we have two basic reasons to save sex for marriage: (1) God tells us to, and (2) God's purpose and design for sex cannot be fully achieved any other way. Many, though, have argued that non-marriage sex is not all that harmful. Let's look carefully at the potential consequences for this particular area of disobedience.
Why save sex for marriage? We've discussed several reasons: (1) God commands us to, (2) God's purpose and design for sex can only be achieved within marriage, and (3) the physical and relational consequences of sex outside of marriage are painfully real.
"But we're in love!" some might say. Maybe so, but if one believes in God's definition of love, he must realize that love is patient and kind; it does not seek to please itself, nor does it delight in evil, but is always hopeful (1 Corinthians 13). True love would be patient in waiting for the proper time for sex.
It would be kind to future spouses by not pre-harming marital intimacy. True love would be unselfish in placing God's desires and the needs of others above itself. It would not delight in the evil of disobedience, nor would it force another to disobey God. Love could never be a reason for premarital sex; rather, it should be one of the greatest reasons to avoid premarital sex.
"But we're going to be married anyway" is another common excuse. Along with being presumptuous, this stance will almost certainly leave one question unanswered: If one gives in to moral temptation before marriage, what's to stop him or her from giving in to moral temptation once married?
"What if it's too late? What if I've already forfeited my sexual purity?"
Good question! Certainly a person cannot reverse the past, but there are a number of steps one should take to keep from further damaging his or her intimacy with God and others.
First, acknowledge your actions as sin. For those who have accepted Christ's payment of the penalty for their sins, He asks only that they confess - agree with God that they are sinful.
Second, maintain purity from this moment forward. Jesus told the woman caught in sexual sin to "go and sin no more" (John 8:11). You cannot change what's been done, but you can keep yourself and others from any further damage by avoiding situations which might cause you to compromise your commitment to sexual purity. Paul advised Timothy to run away from temptation (2 Timothy 2:22), and Joseph is famous for running from moral danger (Genesis 39:7-12).
Third, be honest with anyone who is a “potential spouse” — don't wait till your wedding night to discuss your sexual past. Some intimacy problems may be averted if you address them early on.
When God creates something, He creates it with purpose and design. The Genesis account of creation makes it clear that God's creation is “good” (Genesis 1:31). But mankind has a history of distorting what God has made, whether out of ignorance or just plain stubbornness. The golden calf (idol) of the Israelites, for example. Gold is beautiful to look at, but God clearly did not want His people worshipping it.
Sex (and yes, sex was God’s idea) is no different. God created it, and therefore it is reasonable to expect that it is good. But when man distorts it by ignoring God's specific standards, it becomes harmful and destructive. So the question we've asked “why save sex for marriage” is really a question of understanding God's purpose and design for sex. We can choose to do things God's way, and experience the beauty of His plan, or we can choose to do things our way, and experience harm and destruction (Proverbs 16:25).
So, let's talk first about why God created sex. One reason is obvious: procreation. When God told AdamEve to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28), they probably figured out that He wanted them to have sex. But God also wanted them to develop intimacy with one another, and He knew that sex would help them do that, in a way that nothing else could. and
God also knew that because sex is so powerful in creating intimacy that there must be some constraints on how it was to be used, so He specifically relegated sex to the arena of marriage. The kind of intimacy that God desires between a married couple cannot occur between one person and several others; it can only be experienced between one man and one woman. Hence God has specifically said, “Do not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14), and “Flee sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18). That is, do not have sex with someone who is not your spouse. Obedience requires that sex be reserved for one’s spouse.
So far we have two basic reasons to save sex for marriage: (1) God tells us to, and (2) God's purpose and design for sex cannot be fully achieved any other way. Many, though, have argued that non-marriage sex is not all that harmful. Let's look carefully at the potential consequences for this particular area of disobedience.
Why save sex for marriage? We've discussed several reasons: (1) God commands us to, (2) God's purpose and design for sex can only be achieved within marriage, and (3) the physical and relational consequences of sex outside of marriage are painfully real.
"But we're in love!" some might say. Maybe so, but if one believes in God's definition of love, he must realize that love is patient and kind; it does not seek to please itself, nor does it delight in evil, but is always hopeful (1 Corinthians 13). True love would be patient in waiting for the proper time for sex.
It would be kind to future spouses by not pre-harming marital intimacy. True love would be unselfish in placing God's desires and the needs of others above itself. It would not delight in the evil of disobedience, nor would it force another to disobey God. Love could never be a reason for premarital sex; rather, it should be one of the greatest reasons to avoid premarital sex.
"But we're going to be married anyway" is another common excuse. Along with being presumptuous, this stance will almost certainly leave one question unanswered: If one gives in to moral temptation before marriage, what's to stop him or her from giving in to moral temptation once married?
"What if it's too late? What if I've already forfeited my sexual purity?"
Good question! Certainly a person cannot reverse the past, but there are a number of steps one should take to keep from further damaging his or her intimacy with God and others.
First, acknowledge your actions as sin. For those who have accepted Christ's payment of the penalty for their sins, He asks only that they confess - agree with God that they are sinful.
Second, maintain purity from this moment forward. Jesus told the woman caught in sexual sin to "go and sin no more" (John 8:11). You cannot change what's been done, but you can keep yourself and others from any further damage by avoiding situations which might cause you to compromise your commitment to sexual purity. Paul advised Timothy to run away from temptation (2 Timothy 2:22), and Joseph is famous for running from moral danger (Genesis 39:7-12).
Third, be honest with anyone who is a “potential spouse” — don't wait till your wedding night to discuss your sexual past. Some intimacy problems may be averted if you address them early on.
Sex is a good thing. It must be, if God created it! The only way to keep it a “good thing” is to follow God's guidelines. God will reward you if you choose to honor Him, and save sex for its proper time and place — your marriage.
Having a Healthy Father Daughter Relationship
By MaryAnn Roche
Parenting is a great joy and with that comes great responsibility to ensure that our upbringing is not lacking and helps our children blossom into good individuals. It's a very tough balance to maintain between over involving, being overprotective and over indulging to being actively involved, protecting and providing.
As a father you are the first interface to the male world to your daughter. Having a healthy relationship with your daughter will help mold her into a confident, strong woman, who can make the right choices in life, especially men. Here are a few things you could do to nourish the wonderful relationship with your daughter:
1) Be progressive in your thinking and the way you deal with your daughter. You cannot always treat her as a child. Make your daughter feel respected and treat her according to her age. She is not always going to be your little princess. Let her grow and feel like the woman she can and wants to be.
2) Be open in your conversations with your daughter. Don't just hear, try to understand and listen to what she has to say. Don't use harsh words; rationalize with her when you disagree with her choices or actions. Harsh words tend to make a lasting impression on a child and may harm her self-confidence.
3) Guide her and help her make sensible decisions while giving her the independence to make her decisions. Don't try to impose your opinions.
4) Set a good example for your daughter. Treat your daughter's mother well, whether you are together or not. You cannot show double standards in your treatment of her mother or other women in your life. Your daughter should know that you respect women.
5) Don't hesitate from showing affection and expressing your love for your daughter. Knowing that she is loved will give her a sense of security and help her build healthy relationships.
6) Play an active role and encourage your daughter in all her endeavors. Balance the involvement so that you don't tend to over involve.
7) Discipline her when the need arises and be reasonable when setting boundaries. You can't control what she is exposed to outside your home, but you can teach her how to handle the outside world.
Values do not change with time; we should always hold onto them and pass them onto the next generation succeeding us. But, the way the values are passed on changes with time and people. Make it a relationship that your daughter can cherish for the rest of her life.
As a father you are the first interface to the male world to your daughter. Having a healthy relationship with your daughter will help mold her into a confident, strong woman, who can make the right choices in life, especially men. Here are a few things you could do to nourish the wonderful relationship with your daughter:
1) Be progressive in your thinking and the way you deal with your daughter. You cannot always treat her as a child. Make your daughter feel respected and treat her according to her age. She is not always going to be your little princess. Let her grow and feel like the woman she can and wants to be.
2) Be open in your conversations with your daughter. Don't just hear, try to understand and listen to what she has to say. Don't use harsh words; rationalize with her when you disagree with her choices or actions. Harsh words tend to make a lasting impression on a child and may harm her self-confidence.
3) Guide her and help her make sensible decisions while giving her the independence to make her decisions. Don't try to impose your opinions.
4) Set a good example for your daughter. Treat your daughter's mother well, whether you are together or not. You cannot show double standards in your treatment of her mother or other women in your life. Your daughter should know that you respect women.
5) Don't hesitate from showing affection and expressing your love for your daughter. Knowing that she is loved will give her a sense of security and help her build healthy relationships.
6) Play an active role and encourage your daughter in all her endeavors. Balance the involvement so that you don't tend to over involve.
7) Discipline her when the need arises and be reasonable when setting boundaries. You can't control what she is exposed to outside your home, but you can teach her how to handle the outside world.
Values do not change with time; we should always hold onto them and pass them onto the next generation succeeding us. But, the way the values are passed on changes with time and people. Make it a relationship that your daughter can cherish for the rest of her life.
SEXUAL ABSTINENCE
What is sexual abstinence?
Sexual abstinence is a choice to refrain from sexual activity. This choice is usually made for a specific reason. The reason may be moral, religious, legal, or for health and safety.
- Clear conscience with God.
- Peace of mind in your life and future relationships, and marriage.
- More self-respect and more respect for each other1 and respected by other people.
- Always remember, in a healthy relationship, respect precedes love.2 And premarital sex only throws away your self respect and your partner's.
- You enter marriage with a more positive outlook and without carrying emotional baggage.
- Personal freedom for both of you and your (future) marriage partner.
- Significantly better chance in having more satisfying and more stable marriage.
- Longer lasting relationship. Premarital sex surprisingly breaks up more dating couples than any other factor.
- No comparing or being compared sexually in marriage. It also means "being free to enjoy maximum sex, maximum leisure, maximum satisfaction, and maximum liberty, in the way God intended" that is in the covenant of marriage.
- No worries about pregnancy and STDs.
- Less worries about bad reputation.
- It's a fact that persons and couples who have premarital sex are more likely to have extramarital affairs as well.
- Premarital sex often fools a person into marrying someone who really isn't right for them.
- You don't have to put yourself under someone else's mercy not to reject you. It's still a fact, that the more "experienced" guys and girls are generally less desirable and less respected as dating or marriage partners.
- Realize there is a 98 percent chance you will never marry the person you date in high school3, so it is always better to keep yourself pure for the right person, that is your future wife or husband.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Sex Advice For Christian Singles
By David Butler
God created singles, whether Christian or not, with a healthy sex drive. The issue for most single Christians is how to channel that drive in a godly way until marriage. Temptations to have sex abound at every corner, but the following may help singles negotiate this time of life successfully.
Connect in Accountability
I beg all who struggle really hard to find a friend who knows Christ, and who you feel safe sharing the dirt face to face. If you do not have one, pray and ask God for one and He will provide.
Consume God's Word
How can a man (or woman) keep their way pure? Fill your heart with the Word of life. The enemy will want to tell you that it's useless to do so, but do not believe him. The word of God is powerful!
Confess Your Victory
If you are child of God, sin shall not reign in your mortal bodies (Romans 6). You have victory in Jesus. Therefore, it's important to confess your victory for "as a man thinks so he is." So just continue to trust God you will break free of what ever you think has mastered you.
Commune with Him
Finally, no sin can remain a habit if you are in constant dialogue with the Saviour.
Overall, living a godly life in this world of permissiveness and loose moral standards is not an easy thing to do. Sexual pitfalls abound everywhere. The above "sex advice" is not a cure all for avoiding sexual temptation traps, but they sure could help.
God created singles, whether Christian or not, with a healthy sex drive. The issue for most single Christians is how to channel that drive in a godly way until marriage. Temptations to have sex abound at every corner, but the following may help singles negotiate this time of life successfully.
Connect in Accountability
I beg all who struggle really hard to find a friend who knows Christ, and who you feel safe sharing the dirt face to face. If you do not have one, pray and ask God for one and He will provide.
Consume God's Word
How can a man (or woman) keep their way pure? Fill your heart with the Word of life. The enemy will want to tell you that it's useless to do so, but do not believe him. The word of God is powerful!
Confess Your Victory
If you are child of God, sin shall not reign in your mortal bodies (Romans 6). You have victory in Jesus. Therefore, it's important to confess your victory for "as a man thinks so he is." So just continue to trust God you will break free of what ever you think has mastered you.
Commune with Him
Finally, no sin can remain a habit if you are in constant dialogue with the Saviour.
Overall, living a godly life in this world of permissiveness and loose moral standards is not an easy thing to do. Sexual pitfalls abound everywhere. The above "sex advice" is not a cure all for avoiding sexual temptation traps, but they sure could help.
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